Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
God, I missed his penis.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
