I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think my moral compass just broke
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
