$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
