She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
