At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
smell my finger.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
