omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
