Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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