we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
