I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
