And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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