Someone shit on the floor
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
