and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
