You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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