Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
