Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
