i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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