there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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