Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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