yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
