he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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