im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
