based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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