I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
