We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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