my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
