the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
