We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize