what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
