My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
