Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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