When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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