this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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