i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
