I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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