sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
