Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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