Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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