I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
