mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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