bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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