I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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