Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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