I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
