I think i peed on brittanys purse
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
