seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize