Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think my moral compass just broke
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