Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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