Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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