i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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