I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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