whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
