Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
