Your dad touched me again.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My life is pants optional.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
