i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
