look no pants
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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