looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize