Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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