I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
