By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
