That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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