You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I am naked and annoyed.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize