life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
