I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
