I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
