I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
